Observations on the Survey
While gathering results for the Jealousy Survey, a few interesting trends stood out. We surveyed as diverse a group of men as we could on short notice—making only one requirement: all were professing believers. Ages ranged from something like 18 to 60, with a variety of backgrounds, including some internationals and those with multi-cultural influences. They also represented a variety of single men, dating men, courting men, engaged men, divorced men, married men and fathers of daughters our ages. The trends seem rather revealing, so we’re sharing them with you.
*On the issue of deep spiritual/personal conversation, many men clarified that there would be little or no issue if the conversation were a group setting instead of private. In a similar manner, discipleship by a couple, dinner with a couple, road trips with a couple were expressed as non-issues. Alone is the threat. Privacy = intimacy.
*The internationals seemed to be rather lenient on the issue of light kissing. In many other cultures a light kiss is actually a very standard greeting—about like a handshake or a hug in our culture. In case you were wondering.
*Hugging was a complete split. Some of the men expressed that they didn’t think they would mind their wife side-hugging a man that they fellowshipped with regularly and trusted. A stranger? That typically aroused jealousy. Others would didn’t want anyone hugging their wife at all.
*The married men tended to be less jealous about hugs. They also mentioned that they might possibly rather send their wife on a road trip with a trusted friend or older man than send her alone. It’s possible that, having been married, they could more easily imagine exception situations. The variation we saw in married men’s answers leads us to suggest that a married woman may actually have more “freedom” than a single woman—because of her husband’s authority and protection. If you are married, we recommend that you seek your own husband’s guidance on each of these issues—he may be one who is not at all bothered by a hug—or he may find it absolutely improper. You answer to the Lord first and to your husband next.
*With the chatting or talking one-on-one issues, the men responded that jealousy would be present any time a wife is communicating more with another man than with them. Or is more excited about talking to another man. Perhaps this suggests that “special treatment” is a husband’s special prerogative?
*It was almost amusing hearing the many explanations of what would be done or said to the other man—usually rather emotionally-charged doings or sayings. Aimed at the other man? Rarely were the negative emotions directed toward the wife in question. Questions about this trend were answered, “That’s because the men ought to know better.” It appears that men hold men mostly responsible for relationship boundaries. This fits with scriptural patterns of men as pursuers and women as responders, as well as the passage in 1 Thessalonians 4 dealing with “not defrauding your brother.” If men are to “take a wife” they should also be careful not to “take” what doesn’t belong to them. To the men we suspect are lurking, we suggest that you should be carefully guarding the interests of your Christian brothers by guarding the women around you. Paul told the Colossian Christians “Do not merely look out for your own interests, but also the interests of others.”
Our thanks goes out to the guys who participated in the survey as well as Abigail’s brother Josiah, his friend Tommy, and a couple of girl friends who helped get the survey out and answered!
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What Makes a Husband Jealous?
“You shall love Yahweh your God with all your heart, soul and mind,” Yahweh charged Israel in His greatest commandment, but the hearts of the people turned away to foreign gods and their minds strayed to sin and self. “You have committed adultery against Me,” Yahweh warned. “I am a jealous God.” Through the prophet Ezekiel, Yahweh graphically described Israel’s adultery, painting a revolting picture of lewdness and impurity.
To the church of Corinth, Paul wrote as God’s emissary, “I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin.” (2 Corinthians 11:2)
The adultery Yahweh charged Israel with was in giving to another god what rightly belonged to Him—heart, soul and mind in worship. Paul’s jealous guard over the purity of the bride of Christ was to preserve their minds in the purity and simplicity of devotion to Christ. Devotion–the minds of believers rightly belong to Christ. We tend to think of jealousy as an evil, but Paul speaks of a godly jealousy. God’s jealousy was over what rightly belonged to Him. Paul was jealous on behalf of Christ, over what rightly belonged to Him.
As I worked over the post dealing with God’s Will: Your Sanctification, I came head to head with the issue of defrauding—cheating, taking what rightly belongs to another. With the words “The Lord is the avenger,” I was reminded of the jealous husband’s test in Numbers 5—and the curse upon the woman who had “gone astray into uncleanness.” As I pondered, I began to wonder what would be rightly considered a husband’s? Paul makes it clear in 1 Corinthians 7 that the wife’s body belongs to her husband, and his body belongs to her. Wouldn’t it be godly then for a husband and wife to be jealous over each other’s bodies? What else might they be jealous over? Each other’s emotions? Devotion? Time? Affection? Attention? I’d often considered purity in relationships, but I’d never before thought of it in terms of what would make a husband jealous. The traditional wedding vows proclaim to “forsake all others, clinging only to you.” I began to consider the implications of Paul’s words to the churches of his day regarding purity and marriage. Marriage should not be sought in lustful passion, as the pagans, but in set-apartness and honor. He warned us not to go beyond and defraud—because God is the avenger. This warning suggests that, even if no one else ever knows that we have “cheated”—gone beyond what was rightly ours—God knows and we will reap the consequences in our lives and hearts.
Ladies, what I’m proposing is that we carefully consider what rightfully belongs to God as the first step in purity. “Love Yahweh your God with all your heart, soul and mind. Worship and serve Yahweh only.” And we carefully guard and preserve that for Yahweh only. That we consider what rightfully belongs to those around us. “Love your neighbor as yourself.” A sacrificial love, based on Christ’s love for us, offered without thought of gain. This, too, is worship of God. And, in purity, that we consider what rightfully belongs only to a husband. Even if we never marry, there are some things that no one is authorized to claim outside of a marriage covenant. I propose that we jealously protect and preserve this until such a time as, covenanted in marriage, we can freely and purely pour it out in worship to God. God is the avenger, because our purity is an integral part of our worship of Him.
These thoughts in mind, Lauren and I constructed a survey to try and help us understand what things would make a husband jealous. We created a series of hypothetical questions, based on many of the debates/teachings we’d heard regarding “purity” boundaries, placed those situations into a marriage scenario and surveyed 50 men from very different backgrounds and denominations–single men, dating men, courting men, engaged men, married men and men with daughters our ages—without giving an explanation for our questions. We wanted unbiased feelings from a range of perspectives. We reasoned that those things which provoked jealousy in a husband are likely to be good indicators of what rightly belongs to a husband only—and therefore what we should be jealously guarding from any man to whom we are not married.
We’ll admit that we were surprised by the clarity the results seemed to cast on “grey areas.” We’re talking about activities that many youth pastors would advocate as still “chaste” and would leave a “True Love Waits” pledge unbroken. Many of the men expressed that they were deeply disturbed in considering their wife engaging in many of these activities—few thought “jealous” even covered their feelings on the topic. God used graphic word-imagery to express Israel’s adultery–to inspire our horror and disgust. We’ve tried to be as discreet as possible in dealing with these issues, but this is a serious affair. Impurity should provoke our horror and disgust. We’re sharing the results with you and we encourage you to consider carefully guarding what these men express as provoking jealousy. In the areas that are expressed as depending on circumstances, prayerfully, carefully let your actions be guarded by love—focus on the Lord first and what will bring Him glory and then pursue sacrificial love toward your neighbor–what will cause them to focus on the Lord. The excellent wife does her husband good and not evil all the days of her life, and his heart trusts in her.
See the survey results here:
What Makes a Husband Jealous: The Survey
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His Perspective…On Respect
Valentine’s Day conjures up thoughts of red foil, powdered candy hearts, oozing chocolate cakes and over-the-top sentimentalism all wrapped up in a hazy misunderstanding of the word “love.” To the world, love is a feeling, coming and going on the winds of time, age, business and beauty, pronounced in words that pass away and proudly displayed through things destined to perish with the using. The disciple Jesus loved gives those of us who would understand true love a great reminder: “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in action and truth.” (1 John 3:18 ) English teachers will insist that love is an abstract noun—an idea. Scripture tells us it’s a verb. Sisters, let’s stop just using empty words to express love. Let’s really get active about loving according to the truth of scripture!
Paul, the bond-slave of the Lord, never mentioned flowers or chocolate or candlelight dinners, but he did give some excellent advice for godly love and relationships. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…and let the woman see to it that she respect her husband.” (From Ephesians 5:22-33–we really recommend reading the whole passage). In the literal Greek the word for “husband” is really just “man”, plain and simple, and we believe that the respect factor applies to young women under the authority of their fathers, as well. After all, what better way is there to prepare for respecting a husband, some day? Could there be a better way to prove respect for the Lord than to respect the authorities He has placed in our lives?
Some of the men who are seeking to work out this Biblical pattern graciously agreed to help us in digging up some great insights on the issue of respect. We’ve included a few prime quotes below as a sort of appetizer and we’d encourage you to take a look at what they had to say and put your love into action, guided by the truth of God’s word! Just follow the link at the bottom to visit the “Respect” page and see the whole survey! Feel free to share what you find, and don’t be afraid to ask your own men the same questions to discover what honors them and proves to them your love and respect–for God’s glory.
Are candy hearts and red roses wrong? Not at all. They are thoughtful. They are romantic. They are even pleasant. Only to call those things “love” or even “expressions of love” which never even come close to scratching the surface of the love of God, who sacrificed His Son for sinners, is to cheapen a word which should be reserved for gifts of much greater worth. This Valentine’s Day, we challenge you to give more. We challenge you to lavish your man with respect—all year long.
“Biblical respect is the humble, intelligent, joyful response of a wife to God’s placement of authority expressed by esteem for, encouragement of, and submission to her husband’s leadership.”
––Shai Linne, Philadelphia, PA
“It is possible to have a surviving relationship without respect because I could choose to love them [wife/sister/daughter] even if they refused to respect me, but to have a really healthy flourishing relationship both must fill their biblical roles.”
–Moriah Day, Altamont, KS, age 16, eldest of 10
“Leaving me would be the highest rejection of my leadership and provision. But in absence of legal separation, complete emotional and relational separation would be basically equivalent.”
–Nathaniel, Tulsa, OK, married to Lauren for 1 year, 4 months and 4 weeks 😉
“We hear much about men having a built in need for respect and similarly women having a built in need for love … as if men and women are designed by God with the frailties of tiny egos and frail emotions that need constant stroking by the other lest we suffer the consequences. This is nonsense. Respect and Love in the context of Marriage have everything to do with God given roles and authority structure. Respect and Love are what bring about God’s desire that we use our position selflessly for the benefit of our Spouse.”
–John Day, Altamont, KS married 18+ years, father of three daughters (so far)
“’Love is of God,’ I John 4:7 says. God’s love is not natural to man, as the Scripture continues: ‘everyone who loves has been born of God.’ So husbands are to love, not by human product, but by the love of God. Likewise are wives, according to Titus 2:4, to love their husbands, not by natural love, but God’s love.”
–Glenn Schreiber, Central Illinois, (very happily) married for 18.5 years, father of two daughters
“It is the ‘picture’ of Christ and His bride. The relationship for the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Sacrificial love, a love worth respecting because it is wonderful and it knows the love is acting in the best interest for the wife. How do they differ? The love is the leading action which makes the respecting enjoyable.”
–Gabe Graham, Tulsa, OK, married 5+ years, father of three daughters
“The Bible says that Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. I think this word is a great way of summarizing how a wife is to respect her husband. She treats him as someone who is very important; as someone who she means to serve and obey, and who is worthy of her service. No other person trumps him; he is the #1 person she is meant to help, to love, and to give her time and affections to. What is important to him becomes important to her, simply because he values it. This all comes out of an ultimate desire to serve her Heavenly Lord, because this is His command to her; ultimately, she is serving Him through demonstrating a giving over of her desires to the desires of her husband, and treating him as the authority God has given her.”
—John A. Moss, Morgantown, WV, married almost three years, a daughter due in April (!)
“God’s originally-stated purpose for creating mankind was to rule over the earth (Gen. 1:26). His special purpose for man was to cultivate and keep the garden (Gen. 1:26; 2:15) and for woman was for her to be a suitable helper of her husband (Genesis 2:18). It follows that she must learn to help her man. This is the major distinction between the husband and his wife’s roles–he is the leader and she is the helper. More descriptively, he is to be her loving leader and she is to be his reverent helper.”
–Lane, Rural AR, married 31 years, father of Abigail (and Lydia)
“Trust and respect can be shattered by failure to grow in grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus.”
—Zach Welchman, Arkansas Tech University
We found the answers sometimes surprising, often enlightening, sometimes encouraging, often convicting. We’d love for you to take a look at the comments and the survey (when you can) and tell us your thoughts!
His Perspective on Respect: The Survey
Coming soon to a blog near you…
We’re excited to announce our newest project: a Pearls and Diamonds column written by men!
Sounds odd?
Let us explain. Right now we’re collecting participants and sending out e-mail surveys for a series of pertinent topics in Biblical men/women relationships–starting with respect. The goal is to get godly men talking about what the Bible says and how they personally understand/interpret or feel about it. We’ll sift through the answers and snag those that are particularly enlightening or helpful to share with you! We hope to release the results for the first survey on Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2009.
In the meanwhile, we’d love for you to spread the word! And if you know any men who value Biblical womanhood and would be willing to take a look at the surveys every 1-2 months, send us a note (pearlsanddiamondsblog[AT]gmail[DOT]com) with their e-mail address.
Blessings,
Pearls and Diamonds 